THE BIBLE ACCORDING TO KIDS
(The jewels found below are said to be written by actual
students and are genuine, authentic, and unretouched. Compiled
by Richard Lederer. They appear in the 12/31/95 issue of
National Review.)
“In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of
creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which
the animals come on to in pears.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.”
“Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards,
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.”
The first commandement was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The
seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.”
“Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the
Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the
Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed
him.”
Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.”
“When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the
Magna Carta.”
“Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to
others before they do one to you. He also explained, ‘a man
doth not live by sweat alone.’“
“It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to
get the tombstone off the entrance.”
“The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.”
“The epistles were the wives of the apostles.”
“One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.”