Optimist: The glass is half full.

Pessimist: The glass is half empty.

Mother: Why didn’t you use a coaster!

I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. The fly didn’t stand a chance. 

 I forgot my cell phone when I went to the toilet yesterday. We have 245 tiles.

Husband: “Oh the weather is lovely today. Shall we go out for a quick jog?“

Wife: “Ha ha ha, I love the way you pronounce ‘Shall we go out and have a cake’!”

A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.

A girl asks a boy: “Peter, how much do you love me?”

The boy looks her in the eyes, “Look up at the stars, that’s how much I love you.”

The girl is confused, “But it’s morning, there are no stars?”

Boy nods, “Exactly!”

How many gorillas can fit into a car?

Eight.

How many chickens can fit into the car?

None, the car is already full of gorillas.