–How do you make holy water?

Boil the hell out of it.


–What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A “roamin’” Catholic.

–A Jesuit, a Dominican, and a Franciscan were walking along an old road, debating the greatness of their orders. Suddenly, an apparition of the Holy Family appeared in front of them, with Jesus in a manger and Mary and Joseph praying over him. The Franciscan fell on his face, overcome with awe at the sight of God born in such poverty. The Dominican fell to his knees, adoring the beautiful reflection of the Trinity and the Holy Family. The Jesuit walked up to Joseph, put his arm around his shoulder, and said, “So, have you thought about where to send him to school?”


–Man: What is a million years like to you?

God: Like one second.

Man: What is a million dollars like to you?

God: Like one penny.

Man: Can I have a penny?

God: Just a second.


–Why did the priest giggle during his homily?

He had Mass hysteria!


–What do you call a Catholic service that is very very important?

A Critical Mass.