Did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.

Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences.

The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.

I own the world’s worst thesaurus. Not only is it awful, it’s awful.

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.

I’ve just written a song about tortillas; actually, it’s more of a rap.

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.

250 lbs here on Earth is 94.5 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just not on the right planet.

If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $6.30 now.

My clock just went back 4 seconds… I guess it was still hungry.

I knew a guy named Roger… He was huge, about 10-4.