THE BIBLE ACCORDING TO KIDS

(The jewels found below are said to be written by actual
students and are genuine, authentic, and unretouched. Compiled
by Richard Lederer. They appear in the 12/31/95 issue of
National Review.)

“In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of
creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which
the animals come on to in pears.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.”

“Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards,
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.”

The first commandement was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The
seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.”

“Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the
Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the
Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed
him.”

Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.”

“When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the
Magna Carta.”

“Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to
others before they do one to you. He also explained, ‘a man
doth not live by sweat alone.’“

“It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to
get the tombstone off the entrance.”

“The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.”

“The epistles were the wives of the apostles.”

“One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.”

Three seminarians have a free afternoon and, in honor of St. Peter, decide to go fishing. They get into a boat and pull out about 100 feet from shore.

After an hour or so one says to the others that he has made a vow to pray the Divine Office at exactly 3 PM each day. It was almost time but he had left his Book of Christian Prayer on shore. He then steps out of the boat, walks across the water and returns with the book, almost dry shod.

Somewhat later the second seminarian says that he has notes for a sermon he would like to share with the others but those are also on shore. He gets out of the boat, retrieves his notes and return with his shoes barely wet.

The third seminarian is amazed and thinks that if those other two can walk on water surely he has enough faith to do so as well. He makes some excuse, gets out of the boat and sinks like a stone.

The first seminarian turns the the second and says “I guess we should have told him about the sand bar!”

An American tourist stood by the Wailing Wall of Jerusalem.

Seeing a Rabbi leaning his head on the ancient stones, he asked him what he prayed for at that sacred place.

“I pray for peace and understanding in this land and among its three faiths,” the Rabbi said.

“How does that make you feel,” the American persisted.

“Like I’m talking to a wall.”

 

A priest, a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar.

Bartender frowns and says…

“What IS this… some kind of a joke?”

A little boy was listening to a long and excessively boring sermon in church. Suddenly the red sanctuary lamp caught his eye. Tugging his father’s sleeve, he said, “Daddy, when the light turns green can we go?